Sunday, October 30, 2011

masking my feelings

I volunteered at the hospital on Thursday. it was the first time I was there since Katy passed away. I went to get a drink before I left and saw a nurse that k became friends with. she was one of katys nurses both times she was in the hospital. she told me she follows me on twitter and it doesn't seem like I'm coping the way a normal parent does.

WHAT!? doesn't everyone cope in their own ways? I've kept my feelings hidden pretty well over the last month. I have to be strong for my family. I can't mope around every day and cry in front of my kids. I have to be a role model for them.

yes, I do miss Katy. yes, I do cry. am I sad she's gone? yes and no. I miss her everyday. i think about her everyday. BUT, she's no longer suffering. she suffered for SEVEN months. no kid should have to suffer that long. do I feel horrible because she didn't get appropriate care towards the end? yes. I'll admit, we should have transferred her sooner. but the doctors said that even if her old surgeon would have done the surgery she probably would have ended up the same way.

knowing that the outcome was unavoidable, I feel a sense of peace. I don't feel as guilty for keeping her here at our local hospital.

even though I don't show it often, I miss her. it eats at my heart daily. but I have to stay strong. my family is counting on me.

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