Sunday, October 30, 2011

masking my feelings

I volunteered at the hospital on Thursday. it was the first time I was there since Katy passed away. I went to get a drink before I left and saw a nurse that k became friends with. she was one of katys nurses both times she was in the hospital. she told me she follows me on twitter and it doesn't seem like I'm coping the way a normal parent does.

WHAT!? doesn't everyone cope in their own ways? I've kept my feelings hidden pretty well over the last month. I have to be strong for my family. I can't mope around every day and cry in front of my kids. I have to be a role model for them.

yes, I do miss Katy. yes, I do cry. am I sad she's gone? yes and no. I miss her everyday. i think about her everyday. BUT, she's no longer suffering. she suffered for SEVEN months. no kid should have to suffer that long. do I feel horrible because she didn't get appropriate care towards the end? yes. I'll admit, we should have transferred her sooner. but the doctors said that even if her old surgeon would have done the surgery she probably would have ended up the same way.

knowing that the outcome was unavoidable, I feel a sense of peace. I don't feel as guilty for keeping her here at our local hospital.

even though I don't show it often, I miss her. it eats at my heart daily. but I have to stay strong. my family is counting on me.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

this is it.

Katy had surgery on Sunday. they didn't know if she would wake up right away. they figures by Monday she would be ready to be woken up. Wednesday rolled around. she was still unconscious and unresponsive. they did an EEG. it revealed their was no brain activity. our whole family is here with us. tomorrow we must make the decision of taking her off life support or leaving her on and letting her live as a vegetable. we've made our minds up. we've already started making arrangements.

dear Katy,
you are amazing. i hope no one has told you different. you brought so much joy and laughter to our lives with your infectious smile and giggle. not hearing your cute little voice since Sunday morning has been the worst thing ever. knowing i will never hear your little gibberish again brings me to tears. I'll never get to see you sit with your sister and play. Katy, you were one of a kind.

we will love you forever. and miss you always.
mommy & daddy.