One Year.

I rarely post here. I don't really have much to say anymore. I hide my emotions. I have to stay strong for my family. On September 6, 2011, we walked into the hospital for the last time with out precious two year old. It has been a whole year since our last hospital stay during a courageous battle against cancer fought by Katy Kristine. She had surgeries, treatments, and was taken to Philadelphia where her final surgery was performed which ultimately was the most devastating time of our life. It's hard to believe it had been a year. So much has happened in the past year. I started two new jobs, which I love. Anabele turned one. This makes me sad, because I know I will never have another baby. As Abbie is getting older, she has more questions about what happened to Katy. Questions about cancer. We also found out this past summer that my mom has breast cancer. She had surgery to remove the tumor and ended up getting an infection in her incision. She is currently being treated for the infection in the hospital and is waiting to hear back what her next course of treatment will be. Cancer, you will not take another one of my family members! I still can't believe that is has been eleven months since the last time I held Katy. I just keep replaying that last week in my head. I keep replaying those seven months. What could i have done differently? Everyone keeps telling me nothing. But I keep telling myself that I could have done more. Life is confusing sometimes, that's for sure.

Heartbroken, confused, angry

This blog was supposed to be all about Katy. Our journey through beating her cancer. Our time in Philadelphia. Unfortunately, we didn't beat er cancer, and she passed away in October. I haven't really posted here because I have nothing to write about related to her, besides the fact that I miss her more and more everyday.

On Friday I would have been 9 weeks pregnant. Completely unplanned. But we're married. We don't use protection. Today I went to the doctors. No heartbeat. They don't know what caused the miscarriage. And I honestly don't want to know.

Tonight I'll hug my babies a little bit tighter.

Tonight, ill be heartbroken, confused, and angry.

masking my feelings

I volunteered at the hospital on Thursday. it was the first time I was there since Katy passed away. I went to get a drink before I left and saw a nurse that k became friends with. she was one of katys nurses both times she was in the hospital. she told me she follows me on twitter and it doesn't seem like I'm coping the way a normal parent does.

WHAT!? doesn't everyone cope in their own ways? I've kept my feelings hidden pretty well over the last month. I have to be strong for my family. I can't mope around every day and cry in front of my kids. I have to be a role model for them.

yes, I do miss Katy. yes, I do cry. am I sad she's gone? yes and no. I miss her everyday. i think about her everyday. BUT, she's no longer suffering. she suffered for SEVEN months. no kid should have to suffer that long. do I feel horrible because she didn't get appropriate care towards the end? yes. I'll admit, we should have transferred her sooner. but the doctors said that even if her old surgeon would have done the surgery she probably would have ended up the same way.

knowing that the outcome was unavoidable, I feel a sense of peace. I don't feel as guilty for keeping her here at our local hospital.

even though I don't show it often, I miss her. it eats at my heart daily. but I have to stay strong. my family is counting on me.

this is it.

Katy had surgery on Sunday. they didn't know if she would wake up right away. they figures by Monday she would be ready to be woken up. Wednesday rolled around. she was still unconscious and unresponsive. they did an EEG. it revealed their was no brain activity. our whole family is here with us. tomorrow we must make the decision of taking her off life support or leaving her on and letting her live as a vegetable. we've made our minds up. we've already started making arrangements.

dear Katy,
you are amazing. i hope no one has told you different. you brought so much joy and laughter to our lives with your infectious smile and giggle. not hearing your cute little voice since Sunday morning has been the worst thing ever. knowing i will never hear your little gibberish again brings me to tears. I'll never get to see you sit with your sister and play. Katy, you were one of a kind.

we will love you forever. and miss you always.
love,
mommy & daddy.

Philadelphia

today Katy, Ryan and i arrived in Philadelphia. we had a meeting at 1:30. basically her old doctors were a bunch of assholes who knew nothing. her new doctors looked over everything that they had from while Katy was being treated. they said they were going to do everything they could to help her get better. however, they weren't sure they could. they aren't making promises. they aren't giving statistics. and they aren't giving us how long we have. but yet they kinda are. the meeting was heartbreaking and devastating in every way possible. they told us to enjoy every single second we have with Katy and give her as much love as we can. we went in there with so much hope and walked out with our hearts shattered. all thanks to her doctors who basically didn't give a shit since she wet back in the hospital the second time.

they're planning surgery in the next few days to get as much of the tumor our as they can and depending on how much they get out depends on their treatment plan.